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# Artificially Unintelligent
- URL: https://starikov.co/artificially-unintelligent/
- Published: 2026-06-09T13:00:17.000Z
- Updated: 2026-06-09T23:01:30.000Z
- Description: mini(wins), max(losses)
- Author: Illya Starikov
- Tags: AI, Code, Computer Science, #u-color-bg-tag-accent, #u-color-text-dark, #top-04

**NOTE 📜** This is a post about *AI*. All views are my own and do not represent my employer. Please review my **[Disclosures](https://starikov.co/disclosures/)**. 

Most problems in AI come down to optimization. Neural networks train by minimizing a loss. Good Old-Fashioned AI plays games by maximizing a heuristic evaluation. The architectures look nothing alike, but the engine underneath is the same: pick the parameter (or move) that pushes some number in the right direction.

For a chess engine, that number comes from a "fitness function": a heuristic that takes the board state and produces a score for the position. The AI then prioritizes moves that maximize its fitness while trying to minimize the adversary's. This is the famous [minimax algorithm](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minimax?ref=starikov.co), and it goes something like this:

```python
def minimax(board, depth, maximizing):
    if depth == 0 or board.is_terminal():
        return evaluate(board)

    if maximizing:
        value = float('-inf')
        for move in board.legal_moves():
            child = board.apply(move)
            value = max(value, minimax(child, depth - 1, False))
        return value
    else:
        value = float('inf')
        for move in board.legal_moves():
            child = board.apply(move)
            value = min(value, minimax(child, depth - 1, True))
        return value

```

We can do something interesting here. We win by maximizing our score and minimizing the opponent's. But what happens if we negate the fitness \\(f(x)\\), say by returning \\(-f(x)\\)? We start minimizing our own score and maximizing the opponent's. We start, in effect, trying to lose.

```python
def dumb_evaluate(board):
    return -evaluate(board)

```

One line. That's the whole thing. The algorithm doesn't change; it still faithfully maximizes whatever score it's given. We just give it a worse score, and it faithfully drives the game off a cliff.

With this, we get some pretty entertaining games. I present to you Artificial Unintelligence.

## Smart vs Dumb

Eight hand-picked games where Smart starts at a material deficit, often facing a Black army arranged into a deliberate visual pattern, and still wins. The set is ordered from the most ordinary to the most theatrical. Every game ends in checkmate (`1-0`).

### Standard Match

![Standard Match](https://starikov.co/content/images/2026/05/01_standard_match.gif)

The control. Standard opening, no FEN setup, no visual pattern, just Smart vs Dumb. Smart wins on g6 with a quiet bishop sacrifice and a queen mate. Sets the baseline before things get strange.

### Pawn Cross

![Pawn Cross](https://starikov.co/content/images/2026/05/02_pawn_cross.gif)

Black's king sits dead center inside a small `+` of pawns. Smart has only K + R against this miniature cross and threads the rook around the arms, stripping pawns one at a time before delivering Ra1#.

### Zigzag Fence

![Zigzag Fence](https://starikov.co/content/images/2026/05/03_zigzag_fence.gif)

Black's pawns form a perfect zigzag fence across ranks 4–7\. Smart's queen alone walks the fence end to end, picking off pawns on the diagonal and converging on Qe2#.

### Bishop Constellation

![Bishop Constellation](https://starikov.co/content/images/2026/05/04_bishop_constellation.gif)

Black's eight bishops sit on the long diagonals like a star map; Smart's pawn phalanx sits below them. 36 moves of slow promotion warfare yield **four white queens** and a final Qc1# from the corner of the board.

### Four Knights

![Four Knights](https://starikov.co/content/images/2026/05/05_four_knights.gif)

Smart starts with K + four knights symmetrically posted on a1/c1/f1/h1; Black has the entire opening army. Knights jig their way into a cooperative net and mate before Black can mobilize a single major piece.

### Skull Mask

![Skull Mask](https://starikov.co/content/images/2026/05/09_skull_mask.gif)

Black's pieces draw a skull: rooks for eye sockets, queens for temples, knight and bishops for jaw and teeth. Smart's king starts in the corner and tip-toes out while a rook and queen deconstruct each feature, ending Qd5#.

### Spiral Vault

![Spiral Vault](https://starikov.co/content/images/2026/05/10_spiral_vault.gif)

Black's pieces spiral outward from the king in a vault formation, a chaos of bishops, knights, rooks and queens stacked on every square of the upper half. Smart's R+B+Q carves a path inward through 27 moves of attrition to Qg7#.

### Mosaic Blitz

![Mosaic Blitz](https://starikov.co/content/images/2026/05/13_mosaic_blitz.gif)

Black's bishops and knights tile the back two ranks in a perfect checkerboard mosaic. Smart's pawn wave cracks open the mosaic, **promotes three queens in five moves**, and ends in a queen-and-queen double-mate.